I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
