May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
