Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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