he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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