oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
