i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
