I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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