is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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