I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
