Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
