...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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