I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize