i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
