Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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