The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
how drunk are you?
Several
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
