i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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