did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
