so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
