so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
