Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
