its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
