Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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