ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
