Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
