I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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