I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
