I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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