Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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