I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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