She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
