dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm really busy with my period
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