separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
