So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
