The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
