Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
