she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
