how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
