my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
