Umm I'm too high to move.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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