I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
