I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
