I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
