What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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