Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
