you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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