I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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