Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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