Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
