I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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