I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize