Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
