I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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