Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
