Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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