my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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