She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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