Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
