Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
