I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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