3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
