When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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