I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
