our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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